Twishite
by your.daily.dose.of.fanfic
Summary: Stephenie Mey- I mean, Bella Swan's touching story of love and complete and utter crap is summarised in this delightfully horrible play on Stephenie Meyer's 'Twilight'. WARNING: Extremely Anti-Twilight.
1. Introduction

_*DISCLAIMER*_

_This was done __for fun__ but if you take this personally or get personally offended, then you are an __idiot__. __I have nothing against everyday, run-of-the-mill Twilight fans but if you are a Twitard, well then, WHY ARE YOU READING THIS?_

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**TWISHITE**

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After the success of thatpile of shite, I present to you a delightfully delightful compilation of parodies of the books you love to hate.

Behold! _Twishite_, a neatly condensed version of _Twilight_ except the characters' personalities (or lack, thereof) have been shamelessly exposed for your enjoyment.

Unlike _Twilight_, _Twishite_ has an added **twist ending** so reading this is great value for your time (unlike _Twilight_).

Without further ado, I present to you, _Twishite_!

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_A/N:_

_Please review the story/summary/thing! I know some of you are too lazy to sign in (hell, I get lazy myself) so I've decided to enable anonymous reviews for all you lazy people out there. Some of you Twitards might want to use this to your advantage and flame me 24/7 but it's okay.  
_

_And some of you have been suggesting that I make a sequel to Twishite, but honestly, I can't bear to read any more Twilight books. I feel my IQ drop with every sentence in those horrible glorified toilet paper dispensers. So basically, I don't think I'll do it. I will not subject myself to more of Stephanie Meyer's drivel._


	2. Chapter 1

_A/N:_

_I just went through and fixed some of the spelling errors in this. If you see some, just tell me._

_And no, I'm still not going to parody "New Moon"._

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**CHAPTER 1**

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Once upon a time, there lived a bland teenager named Isabella Swan. Isabella, or Bella, Swan was in fact a Mary Sue.

The name Bella Swan meant 'beautiful swan' which not only showed how much of a Mary Sue she was, it also showed that her author seemed to name her such a sickeningly perfect name for the sole purpose of pissing everyone off.

Now, not only was our lovely protagonist a Mary Sue, she was also _a self-insert_ of her author, Stephanie Meyer, who happened to have _no _writing skills at all or if she did, she definitely didn't bother to show them.

Bella Swan looked like a younger version of her mother, Renee, who was never described beforehand making this a totally pointless description. Of course, a description of the lovely Isabella Swan is not needed, since a mere glance at the words describing her as the epitome of perfection would simply blow our feeble, inferior minds. It would be easier just to Google a picture of Stephenie Meyer to get an idea of what Bella Swan looks like, seeing as Bella Swan is Stephenie Meyer anyway.

Bella's life, in eloquent terms, completely sucked arse. Her parents were divorced and she stayed with her mother, Renee, and her mother's boyfriend in Phoenix, Arizona. The name of Renee's boyfriend, I have completely forgotten, but you will see how insignificant this little detail is, seeing as we will never hear from him again, probably as to not divert our attention from the characters who really matter- that is to say, _no one_.

One day in Bella's horrible life, she was forced to go visit her estranged father, Charlie, who resided in the _"diminutive municipality" _of Forks. Well actually, she decided to visit but she might as well have been forced because she complains for nearly the entire first chapter. Renee, being the caring and concerned mother we can only imagine (seeing as Ms. Meyer did not bother to characterize her properly) told Bella a million times that she didn't have to visit Charlie if she did not want to. Bella leaves for Forks anyway, and the thunderous sound of a million facepalms went seemingly unnoticed by her. Maybe we will find out Bella's reasons for going later on in the story?

As mentioned earlier, Bella complains for an excruciatingly long time about going to Forks. From this, we can conclude that Forks is a ridiculous boring place to be because really, there are no signs of a mental instability in Bella Swan...right?

Bella arrives at her father's house and for some reason doesn't even call her own father 'dad'. For reasons left unexplained to us, she just calls her father_Charlie_. Ignoring her poor, most-likely mustachioed dad completely, Bella continues to complain, and she is so depressed and lonely and miserable that she goes straight up to her room and cries her eyes out.

There is _clearly_ nothing wrong with her at all.

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**_Can life for our protagonist get any worse?_**

**_Will she tell us why the hell she went to Forks anyway?_**

**_Can Edward Cullen just hurry up so we can finish this story?_**

**Find out in the next chapter of _Twishite_!**


	3. Chapter 2

_A/N:_

_I didn't realize how pitifully short the first chapter was! The chapter looked legit when I read it on Word. Nevertheless, I will apologize for that. I promise you I will have longer chapters from now on!_

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**CHAPTER 2**

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From where we left off, our dear Bella Swan was crying her eyes out into a pillow in her father's house in Forks. Of course, our Mary Sue isn't going to feel horrible like this forever, is she? Well, let's find out!

So begins Chapter 2 of _Twishite_.

Bella Swan continued to cry into her pillow for a very long time (proof of which is given in the book, on account that Stephanie Meyer writes ten-thousand pages about it.) Forks was such a horrible place to be, and Bella couldn't wait for school to start. Even though I haven't mentioned Bella attending school at Forks yet, I have decided to copy Ms. Meyer's style of writing by throwing in random information without proper introduction. But never mind that. You now know that Bella is attending school at Forks, and that she is excited about school so she can keep her mind off how depressed and emotionally unstable she is. There you go; I have just thrown in a random fact that Bella is excited about school for the reason mentioned above.

Anyway, on with the story.

After skipping various non-significant events that Stephanie Meyer so dearly added in her book, Bella's father, good ol' Charlie, gives Bella a rusty old truck (or a lorry, if you use the same kind of English I use). Bella is greatly disappointed by this either because she incapable of being grateful for anything, or the truck brings back painful memories of her younger years: memories possibly involving rusty red trucks...and morbidly obese, paedophile lorry drivers. She wallows in her pit of misery and tries her best to hide her disappointment, obviously not trying hard enough because poor ol' Charlie notices.

After skipping more insignificant events, Bella is about to attend her new school. Hopping into her rusty old truck (which probably violates every single road safety law in existence), Bella drives to her school and almost drives past it! According to her, the school is cleverly disguised as not-a-school and the only thing identifying it as a school was the **GIGANTIC SIGN SAYING_ "FORKS HIGH SCHOOL"_ AT THE FRONT OF THE DAMN SCHOOL**. Bella _[insert fancy adverb]_jumps out of her truck and walks _[insert fancy adverb]_ towards the school whilst trying to avoid the _[insert fancy adjective]_ stares she is getting from the other students.

You've probably noticed, I am trying to copy Meyer's style of throwing in fancy adverbs and adjectives to make my writing seem impressive. Of course, I can't be bothered raping the thesaurus (unlike Stephanie Meyer) so I just left some blanks for you to put in whatever words you want.

Bella continues to walk _[insert fancy adverb]_ as she enters the school grounds. She instantly makes some new friends and finds out that at least a hundred boys are immediately in love with her. This is, of course, unrealistic because everyone knows that people tend to shun the new kid in school. But we can let Bella get away with it because she is a Mary Sue.

Now, I'm just going to skip past a whole bunch of stupid crap and small talk that Bella engages in with her classmates, and cut right to the chase. Miss Swan is now in the cafeteria, talking about her lovely self while the oddly loving population of _Forks High School_ fawn over her (to get an idea of the situation, imagine the scene from _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_, where the ladies in Castle Anthrax are obsessing over and borderline-molesting Sir...whats-his-face).

While she is eating her lunch, the Cullen family just waltz in like they own the place. Now that I have thrown the Cullen family into the story, you have to know a bit about them. Fortunately for us, Bella conveniently asks one of her friends who the hell the Cullens are. Bella's friend points out that they are all adopted by some guy named Dr. Cullen and his wife. The Cullens (or Rosalie, Emmett, Alice, Jasper and Count Sparkl- I mean,_ Edward_) all happen to be dating each other (except Edward, who seems like a homosexual at first but then again, he does not seem interested in either women or men, so he is most probably_asexual_). The Cullen kids (with the exception of Edward) seem to have been hooking up in the bathroom when it was made known to the rest of the world that dating your siblings, even if they are adopted, is considered incestand is frowned upon in most societies. Of course, Stephanie Meyer doesn't seem to think so but who are we to argue against the greatest author of our time?

Despite how screwed up the Cullen family is, Bella is immediately stunned/shocked/turned-on/dazzled by Edward Cullen's apparent 'hotness' that she gawks at him like an idiot for a while (wait, _"like an idiot"_? Oh yes, because she **is** an idiot). If you were wondering what Edward Cullen looks like, just Google his picture. Bella thinks that being pale white and have bronze hair (WTF?) is _"Oh mAh gaDdd, sOOoOo HAWT!1!" _which just shows how weird she is. Of course, the reasons why Mary Sues have a taste in albino men with stupid-looking hair are unknown to mere **real** people like us so who are we to judge Bella Swan's perfectly perfect taste?

As the rest of the uneventful school day goes by, Isabella Swan, in an incredible display of productivity, daydreams about Edward for the rest of the day.

Bella Swan: single-handedly combating idleness in teens since Page 1.

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**_Will the next chapter long enough?_**

**_Will Edward notice Bella?_**

**_Will I continue to throw in random facts?_**

**Find out in Chapter 3 of _Twishite_!**

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_A/N:_

_There may or may not be lovey-dovey mushy-gushy stuff in the next chapter so unless you can stomach it, feel free to read on. Or you could just read on to see if any of the __characters die horrible, bloody deaths. __Either way, just be thankful that you're not the one who has to read through Stephanie Meyer's bullcrap and re-write it._


	4. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

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From where we last left off, our Mary-Sue protagonist, Bella Swan, had just seen _OMG-hawt_ Edward Cullen and his incestuous siblings in the cafeteria of Forks High School. Later, our un-heroic heroine returned to her place of residence in her rusty red truck and began to daydream about _OMG-hawt_ Edward for the rest of the day.

So begins the next horrible chapter of _Twishite_.

Bella Swan wakes up the next day feeling _[insert fancy synonym for 'happy']_. After a 500-page-long description of Bella getting ready for breakfast, she is_finally _at the breakfast table eating breakfast with her dear father, Charlie, who she just ignores. Of course, Bella doesn't really like her dad so we don't get much description of what he does at this point. Let us just assume that Charlie is simply _there_, presumably eating his breakfast.

After 500 more pages describing Bella's exhilarating breakfast experience, she is finally out of the house and ready to rumble. Just as she is about to jump into her big red truck, she meets a guy named Jacob Black. Once again, if you want an idea of what Jacob looks like, just Google a picture of him.

~ THE LIFE AND TIMES OF JACOB BLACK ~

Jacob was friends with Bella when they were children and many insignificant bits of dialogue later, we find out that Jacob's ancestors or family or some shit are_werewolves_. His family live on some reserve called La Push, and they don't really like the Cullens because they think they are vampires (which we know already because Ms. Meyer conveniently pasted that fact all over the blurb of her book).

Okay, enough about Jacob. On with the story.

Bella is quite shocked that Jacob and his family hate the Cullens. Wait, what? How can someone _hate_ a family to which Bella's darling Eddykins belongs to? Well, someone does. Anyway, Bella is now at school and she has to be lab partners with...EDWARD CULLEN! OMMYGAAAAAAD. She talks to him, he is a complete arsehole to her, but she gets turned on by this. He tries to be nice to her and she is an arsehole to him, and he gets turned on by this. Are you feeling the LOVE? After many insignificant events (once again, Ms. Meyer has so dearly added those in), the school day is over. A few boring chapters later, Bella is almost hit by a van! _[insert screams of joy]_ But luckily (or not), Edward speedily runs to the rescue and stops the van with his **bare hands**! Bella is saved!

Anyway, it is suddenly the weekend. There you go, another fact I randomly threw in for you. The _weekend_.

Bella's many friends have invited her over to spend a day at the beach with them. So, they go to the beach and everyone bombards Bella with questions about Edward. All of them are stupid and do not warrant any real mention here. The friends ask some stupid questions, they go to town and do girly things like shopping. _"The estrogen rush was pumping"_ (or whatever the hell Stephanie Meyer described in that part of the book) _yadda-yadda-yadda_. Soon, it is night-time, and Bella has stupidly separated from her friends. She decides to go home and goes down a dark, seemingly deserted alley where no one would be able to hear her scream, as the obsese truck drive leaps from the shadows and-

Okay, so she doesn't get molested by an obese truck driver. She actually gets followed by a group of teenage whippersnappers who are probably there on the orders on the obese truck driver. Look, I know what you're thinking. They are going to gang-rape Bella, kill her and throw her body in a dumpster, right? Twilight would have just ended right there and then, and Stephanie Meyer would have never written those 3 terrible sequels! Well, guess what, you're wrong..._sadly_.

Bella realizes she is being followed, and she tries to run. The guys catch up to her, and try to mug her. All of a sudden, a silver Volvo appears out of nowhere and in it is... EDWARD CULLEN! _[Insert fangirls squealing]_. He drives back those horrible people and in one sweeping motion of bravado, he stuffs Bella into his car and drives away.

Now, he must be trying to rape Bella, right? Well, once again, we are wrong. While in the car, she finds out that Edward is pale white and ice cold! Yes, using her incredible Mary Sue senses, she finds out something that **EVERYONE ALREADY KNEW AGES AGO**: Edward Cullen may just possibly be...a vampire! Gasp! Shock horror! Literally, Bella just pulls that assumption out of her arse and Edward (for some reason) does not deny anything (so much for secrecy). Edward takes Bella to a restaurant and they eat food! Wow! Who gives a shit?

Edward, at this point, is now going to tell Bella something that will rock the foundations of the earth; something that will change the future forever. The location of Area 51? DaVinci's code? The secret plan to destroy the One Ring to rule th- oh wait, wrong story...

No, he tells her that he can read everyone's mind (well, close enough). Everyone's...except her's. It never occurs to either of them that maybe, the only reason that Edward cannot read her mind because she doesn't have a brain?

A few pages later, Bella is now at home (Charlie probably doesn't even realize) and she is now Googling up 'vampires'. Many results come up: movies, costumes, legends, shitty books... Our lovely Miss Swan then realizes, EDWARD CULLEN IS A VAMPIRE! At first, it seems that Bella, after painstaking research, came to a shocking revelation about Edward Cullen's true...species. In actuality, she spent a useless amount of time researching because all she had to do was read the blurb of _Twilight_, since Smeyer smacks the whole turning point of the book there anyway.

Whether Bella finds out through research or reading the spoiler-laden blurb of Twilight, it still causes Bella physical pain (for some reason) to think about possibly being separated from Edward (because he is a vampire) and she cries herself to sleep.

* * *

**_What will Bella do next?_**

**_Will Bella finally use her brains for once?_**

**_Why didn't I add in any romance like I said I would?_**

**Find out in the next chapter of _Twishite_!**

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_A/N:_

_After studying my source material for a while, I realize that I have screwed up the order of events in this chapter, and more likely in the chapters after this. But seriously, it doesn't even make a difference. You could switch a bunch of stuff in Twilight around and it wouldn't matter. It's not as if there is any character development in Twilight anyway._


	5. Chapter 4

_A/N:_

_This chapter will contain the LOVEY-DOVEY-MUSHY-GUSHY stuff you have been not been looking forward to. I don't blame you if you stop reading; I would have done the same thing. But if you can stomach it, feel free to read._

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**CHAPTER 4**

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Previously on _Twishite:_

Our stupid Mary-Sue protagonist, Bella Swan, was about to get gang-raped! Luckily, Homotron 2000 was able to rescue her just in the nick of time! Instead of calling the police (which is what a proper citizen should do), Edward Cullen takes lovely Bella Swan out to dinner and tells her that he can read people's minds but for some reason, Edward cannot read Bella's mind (most likely due to the fact that she doesn't have one). Bella suddenly suspects Edward of being a vampire and goes home to Google up 'vampire' and see if she is correct. (See, even _she_ uses Google). Her suspicions are confirmed: Edward Cullen is a_vampire_!

Let us continue.

Bella has a crazy dream in the middle of the night. She is spazzing and talking in her sleep. All of a sudden, she wakes up and sees Edward Cullen standing at the foot of her bed, watching her. She quickly turns on her bedside lamp and sees that Edward is gone. Never fear, dear reader, because there are a few simple explanations of what just happened. The first one being that Bella had cried herself to sleep. In her distraught state, she was unable to sleep well and woke up only a few minutes after she had fallen asleep. Desperate to fall asleep, Bella raids the medicine cabinet for flu medicine, _Ritalin_ and possibly morphine that her father confiscated from teenage thugs (did I mention that Charlie is a police officer? Well, now you know). This toxic mixture of over-the-counter drugs and narcotics made her drowsy and she fell asleep again. Instead of following protocol when one takes unnecessary drugs (aka. dying horribly), the medicine gives her whacked-out dreams and hallucinations. Bella thought she had seen Edward only because she was hallucinating.

The other reason is that she was suffering from schizophrenia (most probably). Well, whether she took drugs or not, Bella clearly has a severe mental disorder, and I'm surprised why she hasn't been thrown in the 'wacky-shack_'_ yet.

So anyway, after that whole thing, Bella goes back to sleep and continues to spaz and talk in her sleep (she's _definitely_ a schizo). After waking up from her slumber, Bella Swan realizes throws open the bedroom window and notices that it is morning and it is a lovely day outside. The sun is shining brightly- oh wait, Bella notices that the sun is in the wrong place in the sky! In fact, she is so shocked, she almost forgets to breathe!

You've probably noticed that those descriptions are scientifically incorrect. "_The sun is in the wrong place in the sky_"... "_Bella forgets to breathe_". Well, I added those in purposely. I only wanted to stay true to Stephanie Meyer's beautiful and eloquent style of defying logic and science in her writing. After all, she is a bestselling author so her writing must be fantastically-fantastic, right? Right.

A few insignificant parts later, Bella Swan is now at school. There's just one thing wrong...Edward Cullen isn't there! Shock horror! Bella is back to being miserable and emo. Instead of listening to her teachers, she is busy searching far and wide (in the school, of course) for Edward. Oh, what a miserable wreck she is!

It is now the end of the school day. Bella Swan, in her misery, _[insert fancy adverb]_ jumps into her big red truck and drives home whilst wallowing in her misery (which takes a lot of talent, the way). She barges into her house and into her room, completely ignoring her dad. That doesn't matter though. Charlie was never introduced properly so why should we care? Anyway, poor Stephanie Mey- I mean, Bella Swan is now bawling her eyes out about the fact that Edward was not at school. All of a sudden, Edward is standing in Bella's room. Bella is not creeped out; she is actually turned on by the fact that Edward is manly (_*cough cough*_) to break into her bedroom. She _[insert fancy synonym for 'jumps']_ up and hugs/squishes/talks to Edward. Edward tells Bella that he watches her sleep every night and Bella is sighing dreamily about how romantic Edward is _blah blah blah_.

Okay seriously, if someone told me that they break into my bedroom every night to watch me sleep, I would call the police. Any normal person would but then again, Bella isn't normal, is she? She's demented beyond repair.

Bella thinks that Edward is possibly the most romantic person/vampire/clomosexual on the entire planet and she really wants Edward to be her boyfriend (I think _girlfriend_ would be more appropriate in Edward's case). But the fact that Edward is a girl is beside the point: (s)he is still _"TOotTally RomANTik!"_

So, much to our dismay, Edward Cullen decides to plonk a kiss on dear Bella's Mary-Sue lips. She starts hyperventilating and most likely, shitting herself in her head (or possibly in real life, too). Without another word, Eddykins just simply jumps back out the window before Bella can put another word in.

I know what you're thinking this time. Edward underestimated the distance between the window and the ground, landed on his head and died, right? Sound too good to be true...and it is. Sadly, Edward does not die, and Bella is left in her bedroom dreaming/hallucinating/fantasizing about that creepy, 117-year-old virgin. There you go, I threw in another fact. Edward is a 117-year-old virgin which makes him a paedophile for watching teenage girls sleep. But that doesn't matter, right?

Anyway, after skipping many insignificant and useless chapters that have nothing to do with the story, Bella Swan is in school and has met Edward's incestuous adopted sister, Alice. Ms. Bella Meyer describes Alice: _"there was a spiky disarray of spikes that [insert noun]-ed her [insert fancy adjective] neck that was connected to her [insert fancy adjective] elfin face"_. Ah, such _[insert fancy adjective]_ poetry! You will also notice that I stayed true to Stephanie Meyer's wonderful style of adding _'–ed'_ to the end of every noun to make it a verb.

Bella decides to start a conversation with Inces- I mean, _Alice_ Cullen.

_[Insert really long and completely useless description of conversation with Alice]_

A few moments later, Edward has decided to introduce Bella to the rest of her- I mean _his_ vampire family. So, our effeminate hero drives Bella to his house in the middle of the woods. Honestly, this seriously sounds like this is part of Edward's master rape plan, but trust me when I say that it isn't. Stephanie Meyer would never let that sort of thing happen to herself. Bella and Edward arrive at the Cullen residence and we meet the rest of the family: Rosalie, Emmet, Jasper and Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. Ms. Meyer doesn't introduce them properly so I'm not going to bother either. We'll just refer to them as Mr. and Mrs. Cullen.

Anyway, they engage in some small talk, Rosalie is a bitch, Jasper and Emmet do nothing _blah blah blah_. And then, Edward decides to give Bella a grand tour of the Cullen residence and shows her his bedroom. (Okay, this _really_ sounds like part of Edward's rape plan.) Much to everyone's surprise, Edward does not molest Bella but instead, sticks her on his back and he jumps out an open window.

I seriously thought at this point that Edward will, once again, underestimate the distance between the window and the ground and fall to his death, dragging Bella with him. Once again, I am wrong. They both live, much to my dismay.

Edward is jumping like a spider-monkey through the woods with Bella on his back. Bella feels like she is about to die (I really wish she did die) and tells Edward do stop. Edward, being the nice paedophile he is, stops and places Bella in a clearing (_"or was it a meadow?"_) in the woods. It was at this point, a bear/wolf/rabid squirrel attacked Bella and Edward, and they both died horrible deaths. Oops, caught myself dreaming again!

Nothing comes through the woods to eat our lovely couple. Edward tells Bella that they shouldn't be together because she is so fragile, he might _"accidentally crush her skull"_ (seriously, if that isn't a sign to get out of that relationship, I don't know what is). Bella is so turned on by how strong Edward is making himself sound, and she tells him that she's not scared. Oh Bella, you do know how many people in history have said the same thing you did before doing something ridiculously dangerous and ended up a bit **DEAD**?

That's right, Bella. Just ignore the lessons that many people in history have taught us; people who paid for their lives by being stupid enough to ignore their basic human instincts and common sense. Why don't you just worry about the transvestite who you actually call your _boyfriend_?

Enough of my lecturing. Clearly, there is something that I just cannot grasp about the workings of the mind of Miss Stephanie Sue, here. Obviously, my feeble mind cannot comprehend the complex workings out and various tactics that Mary Sue's think of in order to protect themselves in retardedly dangerous situations such as hanging out with murderers.

Edward decides to show Miss Isabella Swan what he really looks like in the sun. As he walks towards a ray of sunlight and begins to unbutton his shirt, you hear the chirping of birds, the wind rushing through in the trees, the squeals of fangirls as they clamber over each other to get a better view of the horror that is to come. Edward Cullen jumps into a ray of sunlight and as Bella keeps looking at him, he explodes in a fiery blaze that burns down the entire woods and all the itty-bitty woodland creatures living in it.

Oh shit, there I go! Dreaming again...

Edward does not explode. Instead, in what is probably the strongest display of masculinity in history, he glitters. Yes, he actually GLITTERS. He makes all these weird comments like "_This is the skin of a killah!_" and "_Stay away! I'm dangerous._" Bella, still not convinced that Edward is a flaming homo, tells him that he looks so beautiful in his sparkly sparkliness. As he puts his shirt back on, Edward walks towards Bella and all this mushy stuff happens. I really don't want to describe to you what happens because honestly, you can just go watch this scene from the _Twilight_ movie on YouTube. The book isn't even all that different than the movie: they're both absolute shit. But the shittiness of the movie and book cannot keep our un-heroic heroine from the course of true..._teenage infatuation_.

Bella is now _[insert fancy adverb]_ and _[insert another fancy adverb]_ in love with Edward Cullen.

Isabella Swan, you are an idiot.

* * *

**_What will happen to Bella and her knight in shining- I mean, sparking armour?_**

**_Where is that twist ending that I've been promising you?_**

**_WHY WON'T BELLA AND EDWARD JUST DIE?_**

**Find out, in the next exhilarating instalment of _Twishite_!**

* * *

_A/N:_

_I hope you people like this. I suffered greatly trying to write this. Once again, I apologize for the mushiness and the stuffed up order of events. Don't worry, the twist ending I've been promising you will come soon and it will be great!...hopefully._

_Oh, and if you somehow think that the words "homo" and "homosexual" are offensive, then you're obviously the homophobic one here. Those are scientific terms, people. Honestly, You shouldn't even be reading a parody of Twilight where you just KNOW Edward's flaming clomosexuality is going to be brought up eventually._


	6. Chapter 5

_A/N:_

_Thank you everyone for flooding my email with reviews and stuff. It's nice to hear you like Twishite! Anyway, I told you in the previous chapter that there will be a __**twist ending**__ to Twishite and trust me, you will all enjoy what happens to dear Bella and Edward. That will come next chapter, I promise. I am sure some of you will be delighted to hear it!_

_Also, I've revised this thing so many times but don't hesitate to correct my grammar or spelling if you still see any mistakes._

* * *

**CHAPTER 5**

* * *

In that abysmal chapter of _Twishite_, Mary Sue (or Bella Swan) had been invited by Sir Sparkles to visit his house. This turned out to not be part of Edward's master rape plan, but a little get together between Bella and the rest of the Cullens. Sadly, they do not eat Bella. Edward decides to show Bella his room. He puts her on his back, jumps out the window and sadly, does not die. Edward reveals to Bella that he glitters like a disco ball and Bella _[insert fancy adverb]_ and_[insert another fancy adverb]_ falls in love with him.

Here is what happens next.

Some more mushy-gushy stuff happens and Bella and Sir Sparkles return to his house. For some reason, the entire family and Bella force Edward to play the piano for some reason (probably in a desperate attempt to _manly-nize_ Edward). Anyway, Edward hops on the piano and tells Bella, in the cheesiest way, that the song he is going to play is dedicated to her. Bella, at this point, is flipping the hell out of her mind and falls more in lovey-love with Edward.

_[Insert really long description of Edward's magnificent piano playing skills]_

When Edward is finished, the_ "last note hangs poignantly in the silence"_. You probably picked up the mistake in that sentence already. It is impossible to have noise and silence at the same time. I just decided to that quote in because Stephanie Meyer used it and she is just an _amazing_ author. Right? Anyway, Bella and the Cullens are truly dazzled by Edward's magnificent/incredible/breathtaking/beautiful/_[insert fancy adjective]_ piano playing that they all decide to play baseball in the woods and invite Bella along with them.

Personally, I enjoy this light-hearted turn of events because the one thing that those dark and brooding characters (and actually well-written) in vampire novels like _Dracula_ really lacked was the interest in human-vampire competitive sport.

The baseball game goes along quite creepily. Alice does this really weird high-leg-kick thingy when she pitches the ball. In an attempt to imitate her, many Twitards injure themselves when pitching in baseball because they more than often fail epically.

While the Cullens are play baseball, Bella stands and watches with Mrs. Cullen. Esme decides to start a conversation with Bella. There you go: Mrs. Cullen's name is Esme. Just another random fact I decided to throw in. Anyway, Esme decides to tell Bella how she died; Esme, that is, not Bella (although I do wish Bella had died). Esme's pointless death story involves her having a baby, the baby dying and without any further explanation from Stephanie Meyer, Esme jumps off a cliff. Bella is probably amazed by this and most probably falls more in lovey love with Edward for some reason. Everything is going great for the Cullens and Bella when all of a sudden, some other vampires come along! Their names are Bob Marley (or Lawrence, Laurent, whatever), James and Victoria. These are not happy-dandy-sparkly vampires like the Cullens. Oh, no. They are evil vampires and are ready to eat someone!

Yes, I see that smile! You think they're going to see Bella and immediately jump and eat her, right? Once again, _wrong_. The walking disco ball has already thought ahead of the evil vampires. In a brilliant display of quick-thinking, he tries to disguise Bella as a vampire by...putting her hair down? Oh yes, _great_disguise. That'll really keep them away. Since Edward is kind of (or _very_) stupid, the other vampires smell (yes, _smell_) through Bella's crappy disguise. They bring up the subject of eating Bella and Edward quickly comes to the rescue, telling the other vampires to piss off and leave Stephanie Mey- I mean, Bella, alone. The other vampires just leave. No fight. No epic battle. No bloodbath. They just leave and everything is back to normal, apart from the fact the some vampires want to eat Bella (which is a _great_ thing).

Stuff happens and Bella and Edward turn up at school, together. They are instantly the talk of the town! They _[insert fancy adverb]_ step out of Edward's Volvo, and walk to the school building.

_[Insert 'Super Massive Black Hole' music]_

After a billion chapters, school ends and Edward and Bella go back to the Cullen residence. Mr. Cullen opens the door for them. Bella and Edward see that Bob Marl- I mean, Lawrence/Laurent is in the living room! Shock horror! Edward tells Lawrence/Laurent to piss off but Mr. Cullen says he is okay to stay. Lawrence/Laurent tells Bella that she is in grave danger (_finally!_) and for the first time in _Twilight_, there is actually a modicum of a plot poking through. Lawrence/Laurent tells the Cullens that James and Victoria really want to eat Bella and will not stop hunting her! Oh, yes. Out of all the humans in Forks, James and Victoria only want to eat Bella. Of course, there is a very simple explanation for this. James and Victoria are very picky with their food and since Bella has _no flaws_ (because she's a Mary Sue), she has a nice flavour and will not leave a nasty aftertaste in James and Victoria's mouths. Ordering Mary Sue in a vampire restaurant will cost a lot of money so hunting Bella down is a cheaper alternative for them.

Anyway, Laurence/Laurent goes on about how Bella must leave Forks immediately, before James and Victoria eat her for dinner. (If I were, Lawrence/Laurent, I would have just eaten Bella already). Edward throws Bella into his Volvo and they drive to Bella's father's house to pick up her stuff. Bella barges into the house, packs her things and as she is about to leave, Charlie comes and asks her why she is leaving. Bella says some pretty mean stuff to her dad like "_I don't like to eat doughnuts!" _and _"I don't like doughnuts as much as you do!"_. Bella zooms away in her big red truck to some hotel, where Jasper and Alice are. Don't ask me how they got there. They are just_ there_. Putting their three heads together (even though they are all braindead so it would not make a difference), the trio try and figure out where James and Victoria are. Alice draws this extremely vague sketchy thing on a napkin which Bella recognizes as her old ballet school...from **TEN YEARS AGO**. Apparently, she still remembers every single detail of the building interior. All of a sudden, Bella's mobile phone rings and it is her mum!

_[Insert Bella's mum's random screaming and whatnot]_

Bella hears James' voice over the phone! Things turn for the worse for our protagonist as it seems that James has kidnapped her mum and is holding her hostage in the ballet school! Bella leaves Jasper and Alice (what a stupid girl) and zooms off in her big red truck to the ballet school.

* * *

**_What is up with Bella's mum?_**

**_Will James and Victoria finally get to dine on their gourmet Mary Sue?_**

**_WHY WON'T BELLA HURRY UP AND DIE ALREADY?_**

**Find out in the next chapter of _Twishite_!**

* * *

_A/N:_

_Under unforseen circumstances, I was forced to sit on the bare floor when I wrote this so now my bum hurts. I hope you like this chapter because my bum suffered greatly for this. For the third time, I apologize again for how mucked up the order of events are. This is because I don't really bother to try and remember something as crappy as Twilight._


	7. NORMAL ENDING

_A/N:_

_Okay, after I posted the twist ending, I just decided to add this in just in case some of you wanted to read a parody of what actually happened at the end of that horrible book, Twilight. Enjoy!_

* * *

**NORMAL ENDING**

* * *

From where we last left dear Isabella Swan, she had just received some terrible news from a vampire (who looks like Bob Marley) named Lawrence...or Laurent...whatever. Lawrence/Laurent has just warned Bella that two of his former vampiric comrades, James and Victoria, are trying to hunt down Bella so they don't have to dish out hundreds of dollars to eat a Mary Sue at a vampire restaurant. Bella immediately drives home, packs her bags, insults her dad and leaves Forks in her rusty, Lamborghini truck (okay fine, it's _just_ a truck). She heads for some hotel and gets a phone call from James even though he doesn't know her number (must be his super lame vampire superpower). Bella believes her mum has been kidnapped by James, and is being held hostage in her old ballet school. She quickly drives to her ballet school to rescue her mum from James, the evil (yet _slightly_ homosexual) vampire.

So begins the last/final/_[insert fancy synonym for 'last']_ instalment of _Twishite_.

Bella has now arrived at the ballet school and is now running up to the door. For some reason, the ballet school does not have locks on its doors and Bella just barges right in. The ballet school is a bit creepy and Bella gets shit scared.

_[Insert 500 page long description of how creepy the ballet school is and how scared Bella is]_

Bella hears her mum's voice coming from a closed cupboard and Bella sprints to the cupboard. Apparently, the ballet school doesn't have locks on its cupboards either so Bella opens it fairly easily. Much to her shock, it wasn't her mum's voice she heard in the cupboard and on the phone; it was just a recording! Our Mary Sue has been lead into a trap! It seems that James was smart enough to take advantage of Bella's lack of brains, and managed to lead her like a lemming to his private restaurant function room! All of a sudden, James _[insert fancy adverb]_ jumps out of nowhere and Bella is so shocked that she forgets to breathe and cannot run away! As you can see, I just combined two of Stephanie Meyer's writing styles in one sentence for your convenience.

Bella is screaming her head off and running around in circles _blah blah blah _and James is going _"MWAHAHAHAHA!"_ and running after her _blah blah blah_. Bella gets some pepper spray out (another random fact for you, _she has pepper spray_) and she sprays James in the face! Stupid girl! YOU NEED **GARLIC SPRAY** TO GET RID OF A VAMPIRE! You'd think after being exposed to vampires for so long, she's grow some brains and buy garlic spray. Luckily for her, the pepper spray delays James for long enough for Bella to try and make a run for it.

Bella makes a dash for the door whist screaming "_Oh EdWARrdd!1! SAavEe MeeEe!1!_" James runs after Bella yelling "_MWAHAHAHA!_". He catches up to her and for some reason, he picks her up and throws her. (I would've just eaten her right there and then. Stupid James). Bella's head gets smashed up against a wall and starts bleeding. The impact caused Bella to sustain a serious head injury and she died minutes later. There I go again! I really have to stop putting my dreams into my completely accurate retelling of this story...

Bella Stephanie Meyer-Swan does not die; she is simply hurt badly though, not badly hurt enough to die. She lies there rubbing her head, moaning, complaining _blah blah blah_ when James starts to approach her. He is just about to eat Bella (_finally_!) when some people jump through the window! James and Bella turn around and see that our favourite family of transvestites, the Cullens, have arrived to save Bella from the evil (yet slightly _homosexual_) clutches of James. Bella makes eye-contact with Edward and falls more in love with him. This is partially due to the fact that Bella thinks that Edward is the manliest man to ever man for jumping through the window in such a manly way.

The Cullens supposedly get into a SUPER-AWESOME-VAMPIRIC fight with James that lasts for a very long time however, we'll never know. Bella just _"blacks out"_. That's right, Stephenie Meyer just chose not to write what is supposed to be the most climatic and entertaining part of the book. Well, as entertaining as_Twilight_ can possibly be (not very).

I'm guessing that during the non-existent SUPER-AWESOME-VAMPIRIC action scene, James and some of the super-faggy Cullens get smashed into walls/floors/doors/ anything you can smash people into. James is now defeated and he slinks away (or dies, I can't remember what happened) in defeat. The Cullens and Edwina rush over to Bella who has been bitten by James! There's another random fact for you, Bella was bitten by James. The poison or whatever is about to turn Bella into a vampire. In a desperate bid to save Bella's life (WHY DO THEY _HAVE_ TO SAVE HER?), Mr. Cullen, who is there, tells Edward that he must stuck out the dirty blood from Bella. So Edward begins to suck some of Bella's blood and then, he sucks it all out and Bella shrivels up and dies! Just joking, Edward is magically able to control himself and he just sucks out the dirty/poisoned blood.

After neglecting to write the actual climax of the plot, Stephenie Meyer makes Bella wake up (much to my dismay) in a hospital with all these sinister-looking medical instruments hooked up to her. Bella has somehow broken/injured her leg (don't ask me how that happened). Renee is there in the hospital next to Bella. If you forgot who Renee is, she is Bella's mum. Of course, I don't blame you if you have forgotten because magnificent Meyer decided that she wasn't really important and decided to leave her out most of the time. Anyway, Renee frets over Bella, saying a bunch of stuff like "_You lost LOTS of blood_" and "_I'm so glad you're okay!_" and so on and so forth. She then points Bella over to a couch in the hospital room and sitting (or _sleeping_ rather) is Bella's knight in sparkling armour, Sir Sparkles. Renee tells Bella that he has never left the hospital room (which is just _really_ cheesy). Bella's mum asks Bella if she wants to go back and live with her and her boyfriend in Florida. Renee tells Bella that she bought a nice house and Bella has her own gigantinormous bedroom and private castle turret etc. but Bella turns down this offer saying that she "_MuST LiivEe in Forks wIth her DarrLiiNG EddYkinS. Squee!_". Renee then _conveniently_ leaves the room, leaving Bella and Edward alone in the room.

As soon as Renee is gone, Edward gets up and walks up to Bella's hospital bed. If this is the final part of Edward's master rape plan, that was a _pretty_ long and complicated plan! He is now standing at the foot of Bella's bed and surprisingly, Edward has _not_ been planning a master rape plan. Well, that's understandable because he doesn't have enough brains to think of one. Or, he could just love Bella a lot then in that case, Edward Cullen is just as much of an idiot as Bella. Anyway, Edward says some pretty mushy-gushy stuff to Bella and Bella probably falls more in lovey-love with him than ever before!

After a few more insignificant events, Bella has now been let out of the hospital and is back to living with Charlie in Forks. Bella has this weird looking ski-boot-type thing on her leg and she is now clunking down the stairs. At the bottom of the stairs are Charlie and the Clomotron 2000. The Clomotron 2000 is waiting for Bella to come down so he can take her to the school prom. Another fact for you; there is a school prom.

Edward drives Bella to the prom in his silver Volvo. As soon as they arrive, they _[insert fancy adverb]_ step out of the car and everyone makes a path for them because apparently, dating _OMG-hawt_ Edward Cullen makes you a celebrity. Bella and Edward walk down their 'red carpet' while everyone else is going "_OmiGoSHhh! She Is SOoooOo prEttY!_" and "_I waNna dATee EdWarddD!_". Bella has a lovely time talking with her friends inside the dance hall/indoor dancing area when Edward suddenly just drags her outside to some gazebo. Edward forces Bella to dance (if you can call dragging her around '_dancing_') and Bella decides to be a vampire! In this case, Bella Swan has just shown what a truly most idiotic Mary Sue she is, and how she is incapable for being grateful for anything she is.

Edward, also a complete idiot, agrees and he bites her. Too bad he doesn't have any vampire spit to make the transformation. Much to her dismay, Bella is still human. Whether they live happily ever after or not (you know they will), that is still left to be seen.

It was at this point that the book ended and Stephanie Meyer decided to write another three crappy sequels where absolutely nothing happens. A bunch of delusional fangirls bought the books and plunged the world into a pit of insanity and stupidity.

**THE END**

* * *

_A/N:_

_Wasn't that just so cheesy/corny/stupid/crappy? I agree 100%. That is why I had a twist ending; so you wouldn't die or smash your computer. Please leave a review if you can! I love reading ALL your reviews, even the flames (because are stupid and entertain me). :D_


	8. TWIST ENDING

_A/N:_

_This is the final chapter of Twishite. Never fear! This chapter includes the much anticipated __**twist ending**__! All your anti-Twilight dreams will come true! Well, 'most' of them might come true. Anyway, Let us start the final instalment of Twishite._

* * *

**TWIST ENDING**

* * *

From where we last left dear Isabella Swan, she had just received some terrible news from a vampire (who looks like Bob Marley) named Lawrence...or Laurent...whatever. Lawrence/Laurent has just warned Bella that two of his former vampiric comrades, James and Victoria, are trying to hunt down Bella so they don't have to dish out hundreds of dollars to eat a Mary Sue at a vampire restaurant. Bella immediately drives home, packs her bags, insults her dad and leaves Forks in her rusty, Lamborghini truck (okay fine, it's _just_ a truck). She heads for some hotel and gets a phone call from James, even though he doesn't know her number (must be his super lame vampire superpower). Bella believes her mum has been kidnapped by James and is being held hostage in her old ballet school. She quickly drives to her ballet school to rescue her mum from James, the evil (yet _slightly_ homosexual) vampire.

So begins the last/final/_[insert fancy synonym for 'last']_ instalment of _Twishite_.

Bella has now arrived at the ballet school and is now running up to the door. For some reason, the ballet school does not have locks on its doors and Bella just barges right in. The ballet school is a bit creepy and Bella gets shit scared.

_[Insert 500 page long description of how creepy the ballet school is and how shit scared Bella is]_

Bella hears her mum's voice coming from a closed cupboard and Bella sprints to the cupboard. Apparently, the ballet school doesn't have locks on its cupboards either so Bella opens it fairly easily. Much to her shock, it wasn't her mum's voice she heard in the cupboard and on the phone; it was just a recording! Our Mary Sue has been lead into a trap! It seems that James had been smart enough to take advantage of Bella's lack of brains and had managed to lead her like a lemming to his private restaurant function room! All of a sudden, James _[insert fancy adverb]_ jumps out of nowhere and Bella is so shocked that she forgets to breathe and cannot run away! As you can see, I just combined two of Stephanie Meyer's writing styles in one sentence for your convenience.

Bella is screaming her head off and running around in circles _blah blah blah _and James is going _"MWAHAHAHAHA!"_ and running after her _blah blah blah_. Bella gets some pepper spray out (another random fact for you, _she has pepper spray_) and she sprays James in the face! Stupid girl! YOU NEED **GARLIC SPRAY** TO GET RID OF A VAMPIRE! You'd think after being exposed to vampires for so long, she's grow some brains and buy garlic spray. Luckily for her, the pepper spray delays James for long enough for Bella to try and make a run for it.

So begins the **TWIST ENDING**.

Bella makes a dash for the door while James is being blinded. She manages to get out but is cornered by a gang of teenage thugs, similar to the ones that tried to mug her all those days ago. Bella is screaming as the gang try to mug her. Since she is an idiot, Bella forgets to use her pepper spray and she tries to bitch-slap the assailants instead. James is still blinded and does not come out of the ballet school for some time. The teenage thugs are about to mug her when a silver Volvo appears out of nowhere and out steps...EDWARD! He sees Bella about to be mugged and he runs up to the gang and brandishing the only weapon he had on him at the time, hits them with his handbag. Bella Swan's assailants are stunned for a second and Edward uses this opportunity to scoop Bella up in his marble arms (I shit you not, Stephanie Meyer actually used the analogy _"marble arms"_ to describe Edwina) and he runs back into the ballet school in the hope of barricading himself in there.

The Clomotron 2000 uses all his super-vampire strength to keep the door shut as the muggers are trying to break in. Edward grabs random chairs and crap from the around the ballet studio to try and make some form of barricade against the teenage battering rams. Bella sees Edward doing this and falls more in lovey-love with Edward than ever before! Bella's squeals of fangirlism grabs James' attention and he grabs her from behind. As he is about to suck Bella dry, Edward stops holding his shoddily-made barricade and tries to save the completely and utterly _useless_ damsel in distress. James tries to take a huge chunk of meat out of Bella's face while she is screaming "_OMGGG!1! EdWardd! Come SAvveEE meEee!11!_" and just in the nick of time, Edward jumps in and hits James with his handbag once again. Bella is so impressed by this that she says all this cheesy-mushy-gushy stuff to him. Suddenly, the gang of teenage thugs break through Edward's barricade (I told you it was shoddily made) and start mugging both Edward and Bella. Bella Swan and her sparkly girlfriend die slow and painful deaths as the gang try and escape with the wads of cash they stole off their idiotic victims. James suddenly springs into action, mugs the muggers (which would make them the muggees) and they die. James doesn't eat them because the teenage thugs, with zits and acne, aren't very good quality and they will leave a nasty aftertaste in his mouth.

He goes for Bella's corpse, which is leaking Mary sue blood all over the floor, and tries to eat her. He would have just swallowed her in one gulp but the only problem is, he is just physically incapable of doing so. He yanks Bella's cell phone from her body and calls his buddy, Victoria. Five seconds later, Victoria jumps through a window and helps James finish Bella off. Soon, the only things left of Miss Isabella Swan are her bones. Still famished by their meal James and Victoria eat Edward for dessert. Never mind the fact that he is a vampire and probably doesn't even have blood. They just eat him anyway.

All of a sudden, the rest of the Cullen family jump through the window. Underestimating the distance between the window and the floor, they all accidentally land on their heads and die shortly afterwards from their injuries. Victoria and James do not hesitate to eat them as well. The Cullens, They can't finish the Cullens (possibly because of the size of their oversized egos) so they call Lawrence/Laurent on Bella's phone. He arrives soon after and together, they manage to finish off the Cullens.

After a hardy meal consisting of bland, mortal Mary Sues and effeminate vampire families, James, Victoria and Lawrence/Laurent realize that they ate too much and they died of...um..._severe indigestion_.

And at the very moment they died, the sound of rapturous applause erupted from the very bellows of the earth as the rest of the world cheered for at long last, they had tasted the sweet taste of reality.

**THE END**

* * *

_A/N:_

_Well, that's it. Twishite is finished! There is your twist ending and in it, EVERYONE DIES! I tried to make the ending as epic-sounding as possible, without coming off as a pseudo-intellectual tool._

_If you are not at all happy with that ending, please notify me and I will see what I can do. Now that Twishite is finished, I need another idea for a fanfic. Please feel free to send me your ideas!_


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